Where’s Kanye West where you really need him?
Neil Patrick Harris‘ opening Emmy’s monologue was in need of Dr. Doogie Howser, or some other medical professional trained to perform life support on a self-promoting CBS spokesman. His hosting should have been called “How I Didn’t Even Make Your Mother Laugh.” Alongside our Best Dressed Award (Phoebe Price, naturally) we’d like to designate some extra special awards:
Biggest Loser: Vanessa Williams – who wouldn’t take part in the hilarious eye monocle gig during the Best Female nominations. We will, however award her a comedy Emmy for that Talbot’s-inspired trainwreck she rocked, accessorized of course, with way too much Botox Cosmetic.
Funniest Lady Parts: Sarah Silverman. Because who doesn’t love a good mustache ride?
Best Award For How I Dressed Like Your Mother: Hayden Panetierre. Susan Sarandon called. She wants her dress back.
Worst Botox Award: Jeff – Is That A Hypodermic Needle Track Mark On Your Forehead Or Are You Just Pleased To See Me? – Probst.
Best Gratuitous Female Ethnic Win: Russian actress Shokrusha Agadoorub. Wait, I think she’s Middle Eastern. Thanks CBS for keeping it real!
Best Nomination For Newcomer In A Mini Series: Bob Newhart.
Best Stuntwoman’s Kidney Recipient Award: “Grey Gardens” Supporting Actor: Ken Howard.
Best Asian American Winner: Jessica Lange for “Grey Gardens.”
Best Dick In A Box: Lady Gaga. Wait, was she even there?
Best Gay Award Show Host: Hugh ‘I love my wife’s big possum’ Jackman.
Best Stable/Ensemble: The handsome ladies from BBC’s “Little Dorrit.”
Best Breakthrough Perfomance: The lady from the S.P.C.A commercials who sang “I Will Remember You” against the montage of Hollywood corpses. Nice dress, Sarah! (If you’re going to the Renaissance Fair.)
The Winnie Mandela Award: Ellen Burstyn for her African-inspired ensemble. For us fashionistas, Kwanzaa came early tonight!
Best Award To A Greek Comic: Tina Fey.
The Vaseline-Cam Award: Glenn Don’t Get Too Close… looking great at 40! +10+10+10 + 10.
What did you think of the Phlegmy’s? Tell us – and click here to follow Starzlife on Twitter!
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