Twilight is some nonsense, obviously, but Nikke Finke’s exclusive that the final book in the series, Breaking Dawn, will be adapted into two films actually excites me. There had been a debate as to whether Breaking Dawn, the movie, would ever see the (twi)light of day. You see, Breaking Dawn is the worst thing ever written. I haven’t read it, I’m just going by the reactions of Twilight fans. Some excerpts from my favorite, furious one-star Amazon reviews:
The Worst Book Ever – It’s nearly impossible for me to believe Meyer was an English major in college. Maybe she was technically a literature major, but either way, she should have been exposed to enough decent writing to know how to produce it herself. And if she couldln’t produce it from her own head, she probably had enough references to replicate it. Instead, Breaking Dawn reads like a terrible fanfiction. Meyer tends to overuse adjectives and adverbs, but does so in the least descriptive way possible. How did Bella look on her wedding day? I couldn’t tell you, since Meyer never bothered to describe her dress other than to say it was satin-y. And how about the rest of the wedding ceremony? There were flowers “everywhere” and everyone looked “amazing.” Thanks. I can totally picture that.
Can I give it zero stars? – I find it fascinating that the author tiptoes gently over the whole implied sex thing, yet goes above and beyond (wayyyy above and wayyyy beyond) to make sure the Miracle of Childbirth is depicted in a way that would make the makers of the Saw movie franchise proud. If the readers were expecting no less than a monster bloodaholic baby to come out of this romantic union, then this delivers (no pun intended). I will give Meyers credit in that she definitely has a promising future in the horror/scifi genre.
Sickening – Their weird mutant spawn literally kills Bella slowly. And she couldn’t be more thrilled about it. The fact that Meyer had made the ridiculously immature, but lovable and relatable teenager Bella PREGNANT was bad enough. But then it is with some weird, unknown mutant parasite, that saps all her strength, breaks several of her bones (including her SPINE) and causes various bruises, and makes her drink HUMAN BLOOD. During Bella’s pregnancy, I was literally shuddering with disgust on almost every page. That is not an exaggeration. And I’m 19. No joke, I was rooting for the wolves to attack the Cullens and kill the thing. Bella and Edward’s characters fly so far off their character rails that you can’t even see them any more. Bella whole-heartedly embraces the thing while it slowly kills her, and Edward does nothing but hopelessly mope about it.
Boring, fails to use logic. Lacks in character interest – The “explanation” of how Bella got pregnant was also put to fault later in the novel, when a Amazonian vampire explains how his father is trying to create a superior race by impregnating human females with his children. How would this even be possible if, when using SMeyer’s logic. She explains that Edward was able to get Bella pregnant was because he was a virgin and that he still had sperm in his system from when he was turned 100+ years ago. With that said, vampire males couldn’t create more sperm, so how could this Amazonian vampire keep going around and impregnating human females?
Review for Parents of Young Readers – This is the best of the four books in this series, but it is still awful.
Contrived and Artificially Elongated – My biggest difficulty with the novel was with Jacob imprinting on the child Renesmee. I am not comfortable with an adult character deciding that an infant child will grow up to become their sexual mate. What shocks me is they these children who are ‘imprinted’ don’t have a choice in the matter. Jacob obsessively carries Renesmee everywhere, becomes jealous when her own mother holds her and cannot bear to be apart from the toddler. Somehow this doesn’t sit well with me. Although the appeal of Twilight, for me, has always been that the characters are so dysfunctional and exacerbate their own problems that it borders on the amusing, imprinting verges on the obscene.
And she would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling IQs above 40 – Now, the birth scene. Can you say YUCK? I actually felt nauseated! Gross! Was that really necessary? Oh, and the ripping uterus with teeth thing? So romantic! Way to go, Meyer, you destroyed the last shred of hotness that Edwarckle might’ve still had at this point. Eww! “Fountain of blood” … I was prepared to vomit a fountain of actual vomit! And then, after all that, we’re supposed to just love cutey pie Renesmee?! She’s NOT adorable, she’s freaky and creepy. Oh, and the loving scene when a mother holds her child in her arms for the first time? Nope, the creepo mutant alien thingy just bite her! Oh, predator, where are you?
And so on and so forth. There are 1,026 of ’em.
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