I can’t believe I’m about to type this, but I’m starting to develop SOME sympathy for Kevin Smith regarding this whole Southwest catastrophe. Hold on, let me remember any attempt by the man to be funny either on screen on in an interview from the last ten years. Okay, sympathy gone!
Kevin just wrote this reasoned and level-headed blog post in which he recounts his 48-hours-in-the-making call with Southwest’s customer service representative:
First, there was the serious “Mea culpa” – very sincere, very meaningful, from an actual individual who didn’t then spend the next two paragraphs telling me it was still all my fault because I’m fat.
In fact, Linda admitted (without urging) that the whole situation was handled really badly, and that the blog write-up was in error.
Linda told me that, before I got anywhere near the plane (remember: I was hoping to get on standby), they were having a space issue on board with another passenger who’d purchased two seats, and they were having a problem moving already-seated passengers to accommodate this person. Enter me, who – Linda admitted – WAS NOT A PROBLEM. She fully acknowledged that I wasn’t bounced by the Pilot… BECAUSE THE PILOT PROBABLY DIDN’T EVEN SEE ME.
Kevin then pledges to never sue the airline and put the issue to rest if Linda will simply acknowledge that Kevin is not too fat to fly. She then writes this following blog post, which, if you bother to read (don’t bother), does not acknowledge that Kevin Smith can actually put the armrests down without his corpulence spilling across seat boundaries. The result is a conversation I’ll never have since I can fit into American Apparel size 30 shorts:
“Linda – there’s nothing about me not being Too Fat To Fly,” I said.
“The people around you said they had to lean over to make room for you,” Linda offered.
“Linda, they didn’t! The older lady was leaning against the window like she was gonna nap, and the lady to my left was already leaning toward the aisle. I would never pick a seat that might possibly make me look even fatter because I don’t fit in it or something.”
“That’s the report I have,” she continued, then sighed and added “This is so embarrassing to talk about.”
“Wait – what people around me?” I asked.
“The people seated next to you.”
“You guys went to their houses and interviewed them?”
“No.”
“Then where’d that statement come from?”
“Others people around you.”
“Linda, there was nobody but me, the two ladies, and Suzanne. Are you telling me this is Suzanne’s report?”
“The report we received said the ladies were leaning away from you.”
“They were already leaning when I sat down! They didn’t lean because of me! I even asked them both if I was a problem. But you said you took their statements, and now you’re saying they weren’t interviewed at all. You said we’d get to the bottom of who made the decision to boot me, since it WASN’T the Pilot.”
I mean, goddamn. At this point, even I think the guy who wrote Dogma deserves better treatment than this. He should still be banned from ever operating a camera, and I include iPhones, Flip cams and Rolleiflexes in that statement, but let’s wait until he’s actually wider than tall to relegate him exlusively to travel by train. Kevin strikes me as someone who binges when he’s depressed (and happy and not hungry), so I guess I’m saying: wait three weeks. He deserves his dignity until then.
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