Folks. Lemme explain Judaism to you from a member’s perspective: we’re doing fine without you. Don’t get me wrong: you people are great. After all, you do make up 99.99% of the global population, so you’ve gotta be doing something right. But the way we make more Jews is by taking two Jews and getting the female pregnant. See, we have this super-cool prohibition against proselytizing, which means you never have to deal with some rabbi getting all up in your face convincing you to have blind faith in a magical deity when you go to the 3rd Street Promenade to buy shoes or whatever. It also means that if you’re born Gentile, you stay that way, unless you want to submit to our ludicrously laborious conversion process that’s designed to drive you away.
Or you can plunk down fifty bucks for a red string and join Kabbalah. You sort of get to be Jewish – you don’t get our superior intelligence, but you also dodge the genetic diseases that plague our people. (I took this job because I need the money for Lipitor.)
The point of all this is that Madonna, who thinks she’s a British Jew, has penned an article for Israel’s biggest daily newspaper, Yediot Ahronot, to be translated into Hebrew and run this Friday. In it, she describes her religious awakening. Enough, already. Jew moron. I mean you moron.
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